What You Can Do to Improve the Relationship

Unless your relationship has reached a point where you know you can’t stay, whether because of the emotional or physical abuse, or because you’re so miserable you can’t handle another day, usually people want to try to fix things. One serious go at making the relationship work, so that they know for sure they really tried. It tends to prevent any regrets.

So what can you do to fix a relationship? I always suggest reading the following books (especially the first four):

The Mastery of Love – Don Miguel Ruiz

The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Dr. Sue Johnson

Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationships by Letting Yourself Be Loved – Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

The Way of the Superior Man – David Deida

The Language of Desire – Felicity Keith (this is an online “program” or book, what have you, about making a man want you in the bedroom – I was working with someone who was working with the team who sold this, which is why I had access to it and I must say, if you’re looking to spice it up in the bedroom and understand what he desires it’s a great read. If you’re looking for a literary masterpiece, on the other hand, you’ll be extremely disappointed)

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – John Gray

These books will hopefully help you figure out what’s working and what’s not in your relationship and give you a roadmap for what needs to be fixed, if it can be fixed. You can fix a relationship, but you can’t change a person into what you want them to be as Don Miguel Ruiz says: don’t buy a cat expecting it to turn into a dog. Either love the cat for being a cat, or get a dog instead.

Also, it takes two to tango. Your partner needs to be willing to change as well. However, often if you change, your partner changes without you having to ask them of anything. I often suggest you start with what you can do for a couple of weeks and after you’ve done that you ask your partner to join you. That said, all relationships are different and sometimes it’s a lot better to speak with your partner up front.

One thing you can do on your own is to stop moaning and start praising. Give yourself a challenge that for two weeks you will not moan/complain about your partner, or “playfully” put them down. Instead you will:

1. Compliment your partner for one different thing each day (their kindness, how good they are at cooking, their strong muscles, their hotness, their looks, their driving skills…)
2. When you’re out together and friends are “playfully” joking about their partners flaws, you say something like “We all have funny flaws, but what I love about my partner is that he is so outrageously hot, funny and kind anyway…” Or that you just can’t resist him when…or something of the sort. Make him feel proud in front of others. Even if your friends aren’t cracking jokes about their partners, find an excuse to praise your partner in front of them.
3. Every day write down one thing you’re grateful for in the relationship.
4. When your partner annoys you by forgetting to take out the rubbish for the fifth time in a row, don’t nag. Instead, when he remembers it, kiss him and smack his butt playfully, thanking him for being so marvelous. Keep this pattern with anything you want him to do: don’t nag when he doesn’t do it, rather praise him when he does.
5. Anything your partner does that you enjoy, thank him/praise him for it. That includes anything in the bedroom! Give him confidence. Make him feel good about himself.

The above often helps because once relationships slip down the slippery hill of negativity people start feeling bad about themselves, because they pick up the negativity from their partner. Even if you’re only unhappy about one thing, if you walk around thinking about it and sulking about it, it will cloud everything else you do. As result your partner will no longer feel good in the relationship and start being negative themselves. It’s not like your bad attitude, or nagging, is going to make them feel like buying you flowers. And slowly love dies. It doesn’t have to though – you can change things around.

Getting Perspective

Another important thing to do before making a decision, if you’re at all in doubt about it, is to get perspective.

Make sure that you take time to look after yourself and feel good in yourself. Go to the gym/exercise. Take time to have a hot bath and meditate a few times a week. Spend time with your friends, or, if new in town, attend meet-up groups or other activities. If you can, get away for the weekend by yourself ever so often. Not only will it give you clarity, it will also give you both time to miss each other.

To be able to make rational decisions, you have to stand firmly on your own two feet. Your relationship/partner can’t be everything in your life. You need to be an individual in a relationship, not someone who gave up their individuality for the relationship, as that won’t make you feel good. In fact, it can ruin the whole relationship.

Quality Time in the Relationship

Another important thing to bear in mind is quality time spent in the relationship. If you’re always sitting in your sweats together watching movies, it’s not going to make your relationship feel particularly special. Make sure to do new things together – explore life together, whether you learn French together, travel together, go on wine tastings together, or go bungee jumping together. And get that one date night a week and that one time a week put aside for special sex. Make an effort.

Whatever stagnates dies. In your own life, just as in your relationship you need to explore new things to grow and feel satisfied.

When It’s Time to Leave

All that said, there are times when a relationship can’t be fixed. Below are some examples of when it’s really time to leave.

• Any form of physical abuse.
• Obsessive control freak mentality – they won’t let you go out without knowing your every move, you can’t go party on your own as they think you may cheat on them, they stalk you when you’re out, they interrogate you about every single thing you do, or they try to control the things you do, who you’re with and/or what you wear, eat, etc.
• They fly into rages and not just the kind of rages you can laugh about as you know they’re harmless, but rather they get really vicious.
• They have a drug/alcohol problem and they won’t face it (you don’t have to leave them because of it, but you need to beware what it means for your life if you don’t – you might want to attend AA support groups).
• They don’t really care about the relationship – you know they aren’t into it and it’s not because they’re having a busy spell at work, they simply have never made it a priority in their life. You can still be with them, but you have to stop making it a priority in yours, unless you want to get hurt. Show them they won’t get all of you unless you get all of them.
• You know they don’t envision a future with you and you want a future with someone.
• They’re going in a completely different direction in life than you are and you know your roads aren’t compatible.
• You aren’t truly attracted to them. They are that friend with benefits who work as a comforting blanket, but you’ve never truly been in love with them. Nothing they ever do will make you see stars.
• They’re cheating on you.
• They aren’t the kind of person who wants the kind of relationship you do – they will never give you the kind of attention you need.

Remember – don’t be sad to see someone go if it isn’t working out, rather be excisted that you can now find something that does. It’s never easy to say goodbye, but it’s even harder to be in a bad relationship for the rest of your life. You’re literally robbing yourself of happiness.

Face the Pain

There’s no denying that it hurts losing a person. You have to face that hurt. Sit with it. Allow it to be there. Don’t try to repress it, or fight it, because that will only lock it inside you. Rather see it, let it be. Once you acknowledge it, it will start to let go.

Let Go of the Regrets

Do you think things would have been different “if only”? Well, let me tell you, “if only” doesn’t exist. You can’t go back and change things. And the truth is, if you went back, you’d do the same things all over again, because you hadn’t yet learned your lesson, or simply didn’t know what you do today.

The cool thing is, if you learned your lesson you’ll now go out there and attract someone who fits the new and happier you. If you hadn’t learned what you did, you would keep messing up all your relationships.

If it was a misunderstanding, or some other hick-up…then think about it this way: you have this moment. You’re angry/sad because you lost something in the past, something you’re still holding onto, but that only means that you’re losing the now. You’re sitting contemplating how things could have been different if only…but right now is a moment you’ll look back on tomorrow thinking “if only.” So make sure you use this moment so wisely that when you look back on it tomorrow, you won’t be thinking “if only.”

Change How You See Your Loss

When we lose someone it’s terrible because we know no one else will ever be the same as them. Unlike ice cream, you won’t be able to find exactly the same person again. That, frankly, sucks. However, instead of thinking you’ve lost your one true soulmate, realize that everyone else who lost someone found someone else if they wanted to. And if you’ve grown, your relationships will grow. That means you’ll attract someone who is even better next. You might not be able to comprehend what that means yet, just know that it will be great.

The Dalai Lama wrote in one of his books that we attract and feel attracted to the people who are on the same place as we are mentally. When we grow, our attraction changes. That means who we’re destined to be with might also change, unless they grow with us.

There are billions of people on the planet and even if you don’t know it now, there will be someone who will create an even better relationship with you than the one you had. Someone who fits you even better.

Check Your Thoughts

What do you think about all day, every day? Make a habit (set an alarm if need be) to check in on your thoughts every twenty minutes or so. Are you focused on positive, or negative things? Are you looking for solutions, or are you dwelling on problems? Are you putting yourself down, or are you cheering yourself on? And I don’t mean the obvious thoughts, like the Excel sheet that you’re working on, but rather the thoughts hovering in the back of your mind.

When you change your perspective in life, you tend to let go of what no longer serves you, including past relationships.

Love Yourself

Have you ever seen/read The Time Traveller’s Wife? The time traveller goes back in time, meeting his younger self. What would you have told your younger self if you’ve gone back in time? What do you think your future self would tell yourself right now?

It’s fascinating how much easier it gets to love oneself, if one views oneself from the perspective of one’s older self, or from a friend’s perspective. Treat yourself as if you were your best friend.

And remember you don’t need to achieve things to love yourself. You were given this life as your gift. You don’t have to do anything other than what you please with it so long as you don’t intentionally hurt others. So if you think you can’t love yourself because you haven’t “succeeded” yet, think again. Success is a human concept. Not a concept for life.

The thing is, once you love yourself and are strong enough to open up, you will find the right partner. What’s more you won’t hold onto past relationships, because it won’t serve you. Someone who loves themselves, do what’s best for them.

Engage in Your Life

Sure, when we’re single we all have days when we feel like climbing the walls because we want love, romance and sex, but apart from that, your life as a singleton can be very fulfilling. In fact, being single is the perfect opportunity to focus on making your life feel great in every area. You have time to exercise, socialize (Meetup groups are great if you don’t know many people in your area!), eat well, pamper yourself, read all those personal development books you always wanted to read and focus on your career. It’s also a great time to challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone and do what you know you truly would love to do, be it daring to compliment strangers, or going skiing. Find a way to open your heart and be you. The true you.

In short, single life can be the me time you’ve been needing for quite some time. And remember, it’s not a time for becoming a better person, it’s a time for being the great person you already are in your heart, even if you may have been sidetracked from that person.

Emergency Feel-Good Tactics

There will be days when you feel your loss worse than other days. Do not wallow in it. Put on The Holiday or any other movie that helps you to remember that after a break-up you will find love again.

Not in a love mood? Go watch a stand-up comedy gig, head to the gym, go with friends to the theatre, read a great book, go for a run, go with the girlies on a road trip…just do something you enjoy and which makes you feel good (truly good i.e. not binge eating ice cream or binge watching Netflix – have half a pint and one movie for the evening, not more!). The best thing is usually to be around people doing something which forces your mind to engage. I.e. not sitting with the girlies talking about love, but rather going paintballing, or watching stand-up comedy.

If you’re really feeling stuck here’s a tip: fill your bath tub with ice cold water, then have a hot shower (if you have a separate shower), or do some exercising till you’re steaming hot, then get into the bath tub and get under the water for 30 seconds at least, then have a quick hot shower. Ice cold water gets your body into survival mode and your brain will forget anything and everything else. Alternatively, head to a sauna and do it there.

In fact, even if you aren’t feeling entirely stuck, cold baths are great for your health and overall mindset. Do bear in mind though that if you have heart problems you shouldn’t do it.

Look After Yourself

The more things you do to make yourself feel good, the easier it will get to let go dwelling on a break-up that doesn’t make you feel good.

Feeling good first of all means you’re looking after yourself. That means sleeping on regular hours and getting enough sleep (if you mess with your circadian rhythm, your mood will be affected), being outdoors to get daylight every day, exercising, eating healthy foods (save the treats for Saturdays), meditating, doing breath work and ensuring we’re looking after your social life and career; spending time doing what you love. Even if you don’t feel motivated at first, force yourself to do the things you know will be good for you. In the end it will pay off.

Secondly, remember that feeling good also has to do with your thinking patterns. As explained earlier and in this article, you need to let go of resentment and other negative thoughts (the article also explains how to do it). Instead, focus on the positive aspects of who you are and your life.

Get a Change of Scenery

Lastly, try to get a change of scenery. There’s nothing keeping us in the past like being stuck in the same routines, as they are reminders of the past.

Sometimes it helps to go away for a week or two – visit a friend in another city, go for a trip with the girls, or simply book yourself in at a spa. If you can’t get away for a week, go away for weekends here and there. Remember that things like couchsurfing can help keep prices down.

Try things like attending weekend workshops, meetup groups and doing new activities in your own town too. By doing new things that you enjoy and meeting new people, you’re creating a new life for yourself. One which you truly enjoy.

Another tip is to change homes with a friend for a week, or two. It will give you an opportunity to get away from daily things you associate with your ex.

If you have your ex on social media, it could be a time to step away from that for a while as well. It’s easier to forget people you aren’t constantly reminded of.

And remember to be excited – you’re carving out a new life for yourself, one that will be even more amazing than you’d ever realize. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe you’ll end up on a gondola in Venice, or on a flight to Shanghai. Be open to new things entering your life.

The True You

As I see it, we were born with an essence; a soul and a heart. The soul carries some of our memories in addition to our essence, but the heart is pure. It’s really our true nature (metaphorically speaking).

Now, we don’t just have a heart though, we also have an ego and a brain. These are necessary as they helps us function in life by subconsciously storing everything we’ve been through and analyzing it to come up with survival mechanisms.

For example, you put your hand on a nettle and your brain goes “ouch” that hurt. Next time you see a nettle your brain alerts you to danger.

The problem is if a boy hurt you, next time you see a boy, your brain tells you it’s danger time and either you will step away from it, or provoke the “danger” to act as a danger, so as to prove your beliefs to be true. After all, if you treat someone as if they were dangerous, they respond to that. Alternatively, even if you don’t manage to provoke them, you’ll still misread the situation and walk away thinking something that didn’t happen just did. Chances are also you’ll be more attracted to the people who prove your beliefs to be true. Kind of like looking for yellow cars – your brain looks for what it knows. And once you see them you feel comfortable with them because they fit into your belief system. So they feel comfortable/attractive even though they’re actually not good for you.

Of course, your brain registers there are more than one boy in this life and all act differently, but if several people in our childhood, or a big influence in our childhood, act a certain way, our brain seems to get stuck on that. Kind of like people who nearly drown, then panic so much at the feel of water in a bathtub they almost drown themselves as they start acting as if they were drowning.

Things are constantly happening around us that we filter through our previous experiences and the things we (subconsciously) think we’ve learnt from them. More often than not we react rather than choose our response. Instead of “looking from a distance” at what people around us are doing, we immediately respond to it emotionally.  We get shy, angry, talk non-stop, or do whatever else we’re programmed to do. Whatever our survival mechanisms figured out worked.

Unfortunately our brain and ego get a lot of things wrong. The “instinct” that tells you to hide in a corner when you see a cute guy is actually ruining your chances of getting that cute guy. Underneath that “instinct” there are thoughts telling you that you can’t have the guy, that you’re inferior, or that you aren’t good enough…whatever it may be. So even though your heart gets happy seeing the guy, you react opposite to how you should react if you want the guy. Because somewhere along the road something happened that made you want to protect yourself and hide away. Then, by hiding, you’re proving your thoughts to be true, because no one will see you. So you can sit in your corner thinking you’re unlovable all night long.

In short, somewhere inside there’s a nugget of discomfort and you react by talking to much, hiding away, getting angry…whatever you got programmed to do to either numb it, hide it, or try to get away from it. As a result, you tend to get the results that prove the very thought causing you discomfort to be true.

Overcoming Your Beliefs 

The first step to overcoming beliefs that don’t help you live your life, is to disengage. Become mindful. Don’t react. When having a conversation with someone, mentally take a step back and observe them. When you’re at work, take a step back and observe your own thoughts that are running around in the back of your head. Have an alarm on your phone that goes off ever so often to remind you to check in on how your are feeling and the thoughts causing it.

More than anything, whatever you feel, don’t suppress it. Don’t act on, it, but don’t try to force it to go away. Hang with it. See what it feels like. You see, the funny thing is, as soon as you acknowledge something it starts dissipating. It loses its control over you. Sure, it’s not always comfortable to look at an emotion, but if you don’t look, it’s going to get stored away in your subconscious and you’re going to act on it.

Think about it this way. Your boyfriend does something and it hurts you. You feel angry and sad. You want to yell at him and hurt him for hurting you. You want him to feel your pain.

First of all, your boyfriend might have hurt you unintentionally. Secondly, if you pour your pain and anger at him, he’ll feel pain and anger. End result? You’re both suffering. Do you think that will improve your relationship? Probably not, right. But when you were all angry and sad and yelled at him, didn’t you want him to understand so that things would get better? Sure you did, it’s just the way you’re programmed to act doesn’t lead to that result. The result you’ll get is more pain. More anger. More hurt.

If you instead step into your heart and feel the pain, all those emotions will blow by. You will find your inner self. The one that isn’t damaged just because whatever your boyfriend did. You will find you. And you will find love.

After you’ve done that, you can share your pain with your boyfriend. No guilt provoking. No anger. Just showing your beautiful heart and at the same time sharing that what he just did caused you pain, whether he meant it or not. You love him. You really do. You’d like to build a happy relationship with him. Does he think you can do that? Is he willing to love and let go of whatever habit/reactions (most reactions stem from habitual thinking as opposed to a rational analysis of what’s going on) that hurt you?

If your boyfriend loves you he will be sorry he hurt you. He might retort to defending himself at first as he’ll be expecting anger from you. If he defends himself he won’t owe up to what he did. So show that you have no intention of punishing him.

People sometimes think anger makes you strong. It doesn’t. Saying no and not accepting certain behaviors do. You don’t need anger for that. Anger only causes more pain. It’s there to show us something is wrong and it’s healthy as if you’re in a life or death situation you need that energy, but it’s not healthy to let the anger rule your life.

Similarly, when you see that cute guy and want to hide between a book, feel the emotion. Feel the shame, or unworthiness that is lodged in you. Feel it and find your inner self. The heart. The beautiful you. And sit there loving that self like you would a child. An innocent, beautiful child with a gorgeous heart. You’re not ugly, or unworthy, or anything else. Maybe your programming got wrong somewhere and you did things you don’t like. Things you aren’t proud of. That doesn’t mean you’re bad. Your heart isn’t bad. No one’s heart is.

How to Be You

Apart from constantly stopping to feel your emotions and letting them evaporate before you act on something, a great exercise is to contemplate your day to help program yourself to stay tuned to your heart. In the morning, sit down, close your eyes and feel your way through the day; what you’d like to feel as you do what you intend to do that day. In the evening, sit down and close your eyes, reflecting on the day and how you felt throughout it. If you didn’t like some of your reactions, rethink them. In your mind think how you’d like to have reacted.

By doing this exercise you’re training your mind, or reprogramming it if you so like. My principal in drama school used to say about the mind: “It takes control over you, until you take control over it.” It’s true. You don’t have to react to your thoughts. They’re just thoughts. Half of the time they aren’t even a true reflection of reality. I once read a book that advised against regular therapy because it made people depressed to sit around discussing their problems, or their negative thoughts surrounding something. You have to face your emotions though, otherwise you suppress them (so when you walk into a bar alone, feeling uncomfortable, rather than running and hiding, you simply stand there, feeling uncomfortable – acknowledge it until it goes away), but then start thinking about something else.

No, the guy you just stopped dating isn’t the only guy in the world. It feels like that, but it isn’t true. And, no telling yourself he was our one and only destined true love doesn’t help. What if, instead, you could think there could be something even better? How would that make you feel? And beyond that you are still you. Your essence. And if you slowly breathe, smell, taste, hear, feel, what’s around you, what’s there now? How do you feel? In your core?

In short, being you is about stopping the chatter of the mind and stepping into your heart. As you do, you’ll find you also start hearing your intuition again.

Once you start finding yourself a good exercise is also to go somewhere new where no one knows you. That way you can explore being you without people assuming you’re a certain way.

Sometimes we don’t even know we hold onto resentment because let’s face it: while we are busy trying to make sure our boss understands we deserve a raise, attend the gym, meet up with friends and find the wo/man of our dreams we don’t necessarily pay attention to that little nagging voice in our head. We’re too busy sorting out what’s happening in the moment to pay attention to our subconscious, but that very same subconscious we aren’t paying attention to also leads us in the moment without us realizing. So it’s time to pay attention.

After I cured RSI (repetitive strain injury) in my hands by reading Dr. John Sarno’s book about how emotions affect our body I will never again think that ignoring emotions is  good idea because it doesn’t only impact your moods and your relationship with yourself and others, it also impacts your health.

So let’s look at how to resolve resentment, shall we?

Why Do We Hold onto Resentment? 

If you really think it’s no big deal that your neighbors have an annoying habit to play music at 8:45 every Saturday when you want to sleep to 09:00, why does the resentment get lodged in your subconscious? You love your neighbors and you don’t want to create a fuss by telling them their little habit annoys you. So why is there still resentment?

And why are you still holding a grudge towards the kid that bullied you in school 20 years ago? It’s not something you think about, your life is far away from that kid now, so why is the resentment still there if someone reminds you of your childhood? You think you ended up in a good place, that life taught you things by putting you through the school of hard knocks, so why the resentment?

The truth is, it’s not just resentment we carry with us. We carry with us any emotion we experienced unless we faced it. Not wallowed in it. Not got lost in it. But faced it. Sat holding it in the palm of our hand until we’ve truly felt it, then let it go.

I tend to liken people to houses: if you keep the doors and windows open emotions flow through you and as pleasant, or unpleasant, as they may be, they don’t hurt you. The problem comes when you let something in that you try to suppress, or hold onto, because it gets stuck.

You are annoyed with the neighbors. But you don’t want to think about it, because they’re nice people. So you suppress your anger. You don’t face it and let it go, or walk over to your neighbors and kindly ask if they can move their music schedule by fifteen minutes. You just knock your feelings to the side. And chances are, if you do that with the neighbors, you do it with other stuff too. So your annoyance with the neighbors will only be one of a hundred little things bugging you that you never cared to resolve. Meaning you have a pool of resentment inside.

As for the bully from your childhood, most likely you were really upset when you were being bullied. You were hurt. You went through emotional upheaval. And you didn’t face those emotions, looking at them until they evaporated as you realized the bully had no real power over you (however real it seemed at the time). No, you engaged with the emotions. Either you felt stuck in them, or you battled them. To battle something, it needs to exist. It won’t go away. It will only be punched about.

How Resentment Affects Us

To be honest I don’t know how your resentment affects you. It may come out in snapping at your partner for a really small issue as inside there are a hundred other issues that just got triggered by that one small thing. It may come out when you’re having a bad day and your guards are down. Maybe you’ll flip on your boss, maybe you’ll yell at your kid, maybe you’ll tell your parents to bugger off because even though what they did just then was practically nothing, you’re carrying a dam of resentment within you that just exploded.

It could be that your resentment towards someone from long ago makes your react in certain ways today. For example, if you were bullied by that kid and someone does something in your life today that reminds you of that kid, you react funnily. Your resentment ends up being targeted at the person today instead of the person from yesterday.

Resentment may also be wallowed in. You could spend your time thinking about all the wrongs someone has done to you. As the story goes, the person you’re imprisoning with your thoughts is no other than yourself though. Your resentment will make you unhappy. Instead of thinking about rainbows and sunsets you’re thinking about the injustice of someone else’s actions. You’re trapping yourself in misery.

As mentioned, Sarno’s book (Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection) alerted me to the fact that emotions can turn into physical pain. Sarno argues that suppressed anger causes pain as the body invents physical aches and pains to distract us from the anger. And it can be for small things. Sarno used the example of a mother who had a baby and was tired and feeling angry at the baby for screaming because she wanted to sleep. Then she felt guilty, because of course the baby couldn’t help screaming. Her brain didn’t want to deal with her anger towards her baby because she felt ashamed of it, so instead she ended up with back pain. Other times it can be anger/resentment because we feel the pressure on us to always exceed is too much, or we don’t stand up for ourselves.

Sarno says that most of us would rather face the emotions than the pain – sometimes it’s truly very small things – but we don’t because we don’t even realize what’s happening. The brain is seemingly programmed and, as I said earlier, we’re too busy with what’s just in front of us to realize what’s happening inside of us.

Letting Go of Resentment

So how do you get rid of resentment?

One way is to make a list. List anything and everything you resent in life and people, as well as in yourself. Then go through the list, item for item, and feel the resentment. For each item, close your eyes and explore exactly what you feel. Hang with the feeling till you realize it’s just a feeling. Let it evaporate.

You should also look at the resentment you feel for people in your life currently and deal with what needs to be dealt with coming from a place of love, or a place of all seeing wisdom, as opposed to emotional entanglement. Tell the people who you feel resentment for due to their actions that what they are doing is hurting/annoying you. But come from that place of rational wisdom, or love, not of resentment. It’s not about telling them about your resentment (normally anyway), but about resolving the issue; the thing that makes you resent them. You don’t have to be angry with them for their habits, you need to explain to them why you don’t accept them, or would like them to change them.

Of course, beware you don’t resent people for misunderstandings, or because of things they truly can’t help. If, on the other hand, your resentment is founded in a serious issue and things don’t change after a talk, you may need to step away. Being around people and situations that make you resent them is not healthy. Not at all.

Also, if you have trouble letting go of something someone’s done, remember that most people are like a cause and effect equation: they only do what they do because of what they’ve been through. They never learned to take charge of their emotions and act in spite of them. They’ve been slaves to the events in their lives and the thoughts resulting from them.

1. Picnics

What’s more romantic than an old fashioned picnic? Bring some lemonade, chicken or cheese, baguette, grapes, your favorite blanket and some romantic poetry, a chess board, or some outdoorsy game the two of you can play (frisbee, croquet, etc.) and head out for a day in the sun. Play some old jazzy tunes on your iPod and relax.

Want to make it even more romantic? Go to a lake where you can rent a rowing boat (for inspiration watch the first Bridget Jones movie where Hugh Grant recites Keats in a boat…or simply read any good Jane Austen novel that makes you think of old fashioned picnics in the English countryside).

In winter/fall bring thick blankets, sheepskins and hot chocolate/mulled wine. If you want to make it extra special, make snow lanterns. An excellent romantic break after going sliding down the hills on sleighs in the snow.

2. Text Messages

Texts are simple ways of letting someone know you’re thinking about them, whether with their pants on or off… In the beginning when we date someone we usually text a lot because we can’t wait to find out more about each other, nor can we wait to see one another again. As time passes by we often get lazy though. So to add a sparkle to your relationship, text more.

It’s an excellent way to make your love life more interesting as well. No better way to distract someone at work than telling them what you intend to do to them when they get home…

3. Love Letters

Old fashioned as it may be, is there anything better than a handwritten letter telling you exactly how much someone misses you?

You can turn a letter into a collage as well, with images from when you first met, little stickers and so forth. Sites like The Graphics Fairy lets you download vintage images for free if you need some.

4. Poems

Maybe even more old fashioned than letters, but there’s something to be said for poetry. If you can’t write it yourself, use well known poems – send them in texts, or emails. Make a habit of it – send one every Friday. It will make your significant other look forward to Fridays…

5. Date Nights at Home

You don’t always have a lot of time (or money) on your hands to go out, but that doesn’t mean that every date night at home should be one where you sit in sweatpants watching Netflix.

When having a date night at home, set the dinner table properly, light the candles, turn on the sexy music and leave a little love note on your date’s plate.

You can have a theme too, like an Italian dinner, with Italian music and wine, followed by an Italian movie (or at least one set in Italy).

6. Spa Nights at Home

Spa nights can be elaborate affairs, or simple pampering nights.

If you want to go big, prepare strawberries and champagne, pour your date a hot bath and follow it with a massage.

If you want something more simple, just pamper your date when s/he gets home – prepare a hot cup of tea and a steaming bath, or pour them a glass of wine and have dinner ready, followed by a massage. Just knowing someone cares is huge in a relationship.

7. Exploring New Things Together

Exploring life together is part of what makes a relationship special. Go new places and do new things together. Explore. Whether you drive to a nearby town and spend a night couch surfing for free (couchsurfing.com), or you go on a luxurious trip to Paris, doesn’t matter as much as exploring something new. Things fast get boring and stagnate unless you decide to make the most of them.

Doing things alone with your partner away from friends and family also gives you time to truly focus on one another.

If you don’t want to go away, simply attend a workshop together in your own town – go to a wine and cheese tasting, learn to make chocolate, or try archery together. Explore. Challenge each other to try new experiences.

8. Make a Wishing Tree Together

Write down all the things you’d like to explore – big and small – and then choose wishes from your tree to do together ever so often.

9. Have a Bake Off (and Other Random Acts of Kindness)

Why not dedicate a day to a fun bake off? Get your hands dirty and bake cookies you put in jars and give away to friends, relatives and the homeless. You can also go volunteer with an organization once  month, or do something else that makes you both feel happy. A kind of giving that warms your hearts.

Often we think it’s only the most in need who want our help and encouragement, but usually more people than you’d ever guess would be thankful to receive a surprise act of kindness. Everyone goes through bouts of difficulties and loneliness. And even if you do a kind gesture for someone who is having the time of their lives, they’ll appreciate it.

10. Little Gifts

A rose. A cookie from their favorite bakery. A bottle of their favorite wine. A new book from one of the authors they love.

Gifts don’t need to be pricey. They just need to be well thought through.

11. Hang Out at an Amusement Park or Fair

Rollercoaster rides and plenty of laughter. Or maybe cotton candy and winning a teddybear? Whatever way around, there’s something about amusement parks and fairs that make us laugh and have a good time – from Renaissance Fairs to Disneyland.

12. Be a Tourist

Pretend to be a tourist in your own city. Visit all the landmarks, oh and ah about the sights, try all the food stores…explore the city through new eyes…or the eyes of love. Just as with relationships, we tend to forget what we have next to us when it comes to cities and we can all do with a reminder!

13. Get in a Car and Drive

Don’t plan a destination, just get in the car, drive and see where you end up. Helps to bring a sat nav, water and a first aid kit. Just in case you truly get lost…

Seriously, some of the best trips are the spontaneous ones.

14. Do a Home Swap

Tired of your own place? Swap places with a friend for a week, or weekend. It will give you a change of scenery and feel like vacation.

Want to go further afield? List your place on an actual home swapping forum. There are incredible places people are willing to swap for a vacation far from home!

15. Play

When was the last time you went to the beach and built a sand castle? Or did some finger painting? Created something with clay? It can be incredibly liberating and fun to play around.

If you just want something creative with a more adult feel to it, attend an art class where they serve wine. They’ve become increasingly popular around the world.

For a laugh out loud night, just get some friends together and play Cards Against Humanity. It will leave you with smiles on your faces. And possibly some disturbing thoughts…

16. Get the Adrenaline Flowing

You fall in love faster when adrenaline flows and maybe you fall harder for the person you’re already in love with? Something to do with the fear of losing them… Whether you want to take a trapeze class, go bungee jumping, skydive, zipline, or climb a mountain, you’re bound to get a bit starry eyed and excited afterwards, so it’s best to keep someone around you who you could apply that starry-eyedness and excitement to… (That’s not grammatically correct, but you get my drift – go starry-eyed and get excited with someone you love!)

17. Do Something Posh

I’m the first to admit I prefer beach picnics in flip-flops to dining in fancy restaurants with crystal glasses and silverware, but there’s something to be said for getting dressed up ever so often (including fancy lingerie underneath). You need to feel like the king and queen of your own lives. And let’s face it: seeing each other dressed up is sexy. So long as you get to see those rough jeans and worn out flannel shirts too…

18. Escape the Crowds

Being alone can be romantic, whether you go camping under the stars, rent a cabin in the woods or sneak off somewhere else. You need to be alone. Just the two of you. Truly appreciating each other’s company.

If you like you could even try being silent together for a day. Discover other ways to communicate…

19. Kidnap One Another

Decide that once a year you each kidnap the other and take them somewhere unexpected. Be sure to have a long think about what kind of activities the other loves before you plan it though. Don’t kidnap them to take them to a place only you love, doing what only you love. Rather make it about them.

20. Play Dress Up

Take each other to second hand stores and find outfits you’d like to see each other in. Go home, wash the clothes and the next day go on a date dressed in whatever your partner picked… You can make this as fun, or as sexy, as you like. Of course you can buy things that aren’t second hand too, but there’s a lot of fun to be had in thrift shops!

21. Have a Date in the Library

Go to the library and pick out books for each other to read. Then sit down somewhere nice and read together, or read out loud to one another.

22. Try Tantra

No, you don’t have to have sex to do tantra…but you could. It’s actually all about the connection between the two of you – breathing together, looking each other in the eye and being together. You can read an excellent article I wrote about it here. In my humble opinion and all that…

23. Get Curious About One Another

Spend a night somewhere asking each other intimate questions while looking each other in the eye. Ask about the funny, the absurd, the intellectual, the dreamy, the steamy… From what super hero your date would like to be, to the most embracing thing s/he’d ever done and anything and everything in between.

To spice it up, turn it into a game of truth and dare…

24. Go on a Double Date

Sometimes it’s fun to go out with other couples. You need different energies around you, or you soon get bored. So plan a few nice things with different friends – from nights out bowling and playing billiards, to renting a cabin somewhere. Different friends have different tastes, so it might help to widen your horizons too! It can also help to split costs if you do a road trip, go camping, or simply head to Vegas for the weekend!

Just, you know, choose the people wisely. After all, you don’t want to end up in a new city with a couple whom you have nothing in common with, or who thinks having a romantic time means getting so drunk they pass out every night. You don’t want to have to babysit them!

25. Compliment Each Other

It’s easy to crack jokes about someone once you know them well enough to know all their quirks. Just remember to praise them too. Just because you once said they’re hot, or pretty, doesn’t mean they don’t need to hear it again. Challenge yourself to compliment one another at least a few times a week. Whether saying they make you swoon when they do whatever it is they do, or telling them they’re incredible for handling things so well at work, it will make them feel great. And people who feel great around you, usually enjoy being around you. Which means your relationship just got a whole lot better. Just by remembering to do a little bit of praising!

As the story goes, our dreams often lie outside our comfort zone. What we most want to do, all those fun crazy things, we don’t do them, because they make us uncomfortable.

Sometimes it’s not fear holding us back, but rather our own lack of imagination. We get caught up in life and forget to ask what else we could do to make things more interesting.

For those of you looking for fun and crazy things to do with your friends, I’ve found some for you. It’s time to live a little!

Get in the Car and Drive

Pack a weekend bag if you must and don’t forget your ID and some cash/cards, but don’t make a decision where to go. Just hit the road and figure it out as you go along; the only aim being having as much fun as possible.

Decide to say yes to anything and everything you encounter along the way so long as it’s not downright dangerous. Those weirdos who ask you for a drink? Say yes. That crazy theme park that looks wacko? Go there. The bar that looks stranger than strange? Try it.

Can’t afford AirBnB and hotels? Try couchsurfing.com! Just be sure to read the reviews of someone before you decide to stay with them…

(P.S. do bring a first aid kit, a blanket, a phone charger, a GPS, some water and snacks any time you get in the car to go somewhere new…because you don’t know what will happen or where you’ll end up. That’s the adventure!)

Say Yes to Your Own Town

Can’t afford to hit the road? Say yes in your own city instead. Try whatever wonderful and weird experiences you come across. Just like the first rule of improv (in theatre) is to always say yes to what your fellow actor has suggested, do the same in your town – try everything you come across.

Do a Total Make-Over 

This is a perfect weekend getaway exercise, but if you can’t get away for a weekend, do it in your own town. Basically, what you do, is you leave home with nothing but a survival kit in your bag. By the end of the weekend you are supposed to have a bag filled with clothes, a new hairstyle and a new make-up style. If you can’t afford a shiny new wardrobe, settle for one outfit. And you could pick it up in a second hand store!

Want to make it as crazy as possible? Make over each other. I.e. you aren’t the one deciding your new style – your friends are.

Try Out Town in Another Style

We feel real comfortable wearing our usual style, so how about turning into someone else for a day? Style yourself and your friends in a style you’d normally never wear. Then try acting in character all day, doing what you imagine someone with that style would do and see what it feels like. For example, why not be a hippie, a punk, or a total trendsetter? Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that’s very different from you.

If you don’t care to do it in your own town, try it out somewhere nearby.

It will be crazy fun to try being someone else for a while and you might discover it’s crazy liberating too. After all, it doesn’t hurt to loosen up that ego a little bit.

Spook Each Other

Bring a sleeping bag and head over to the woods, or an abandoned house and camp out for the night. Read ghost stories and talk of the paranormal.

Just don’t forget the flashlight. And uhm garlic, silver rods and other things to repel vampires and ghosts. Possibly something more practical too. Like pepper spray if you run into more real dangers.

Spin a Globe

If money isn’t an issue, close your eyes, spin a globe and put your finger down. Then you all have to go to where your finger points (maybe make a point of excluding war zones).

Put on a Play

Ever tried acting and directing? It’s harder than it looks. Challenge yourselves to put on a play for a small audience. Maybe start with a short fifteen minute play and leave Shakespeare for later…

Attend a Stand-Up Comedy Workshop

Making people laugh is easy, right. Or not. Especially not when you have fifty pairs of eyes staring at you. But what a thrill when you do make them laugh!

Go to an Improv Class

Ever tried improvisation? Going with the flow of making things up on stage? If not, it’s a great experience to share with friends. And if your friends are crazy, the improv is bound to be crazy too!

Put on a Street Performance

Whether you decide to sing a song, do a poetry slam, dance, use some street magic, or stand on a box telling a funny story (like that corner in Hyde Park in London), it doesn’t really matter. So long as you gather the courage to go out there and do it.

Note that it isn’t strictly allowed everywhere to perform in the streets, so erm, watch out for the police…or get a permit!

Go Sky Diving

Can it get any crazier than jumping out of an airplane? Probably not. If you or your friends are scared of heights, this is probably not a good idea though.

Go Paragliding

Paragliding isn’t quite as bad as sky diving, is it? It’s not as high up at any rate…

Go Hang with a Band

You might not be able to talk your way backstage with the Rolling Stones, but you could chat your way backstage to see a local band, no doubt.

If some bigger band is in town, figure out where they’re staying and randomly hang out by the pool at the hotel.

Climb a Mountain

There’s something wild about climbing to the top of a mountain. Get your friends together and decide on a nearby top to climb. Be sure to know what you’re doing though, or get a guide. Climbing to the top is cool, getting lost half way up is not… Remember, most mountain tops don’t have great cell phone reception, if any at all…

Go to Vegas

Vegas is as crazy as you make it out to be. Make it crazy.

No Hablo Englese 

Go somewhere where people don’t speak English. Get away from the tourists in other words. It can be hilarious to try to get around using gestures. And it’s great practice in problem solving as you’re bound to bump into difficulties along the way…

Sleep Under the Stars

If it’s summertime, head somewhere where you can camp under the stars. There’s something wild about being in the open like that. Terribly romantic if you bring the right person along too…

Bring a tent in case it starts raining and erm make sure to protect yourselves form bears.

Wear a Crazy Outfit to a Club

You might not want to be someone else for a whole day, but how about going clubbing wearing a crazy outfit someone else has picked for you? Or maybe pick it yourself? Get your friends together and go to town with the crazy outfits. Quite literally.

Go Skinny Dipping

There’s something to be said for being naked. It’s liberating. So why not go skinny dipping with your friends? Just make sure to do it in an empty place so you don’t get yourselves arrested…

Kidnap Each Other 

Take turns kidnapping each other for the weekend – one of you make a plan, the rest of you know nothing about it.

Attend an Open Audition

Ever had to sing in front of a judge? Or read a monologue? Had to act on the spot? It’s riveting. And it sure as hell practices your ability to talk in front of a crowd and handle your nerves!

Head to an Amusement Park

You’re never too old to scream as you get on the rollercoaster. Really. Nor too old to eat cotton candy and try to win teddybears by throwing hoops, or shooting at things. Just be sure not to shoot each other…

Head to a Shooting Range

Ever held a gun? Ever shot at a target? Why not get some practice? After all, we all want to be Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith sometimes, don’t we?

Learn to Drive a Motorbike

Get the girls together and get motorbike driving licenses. Why not?

Arrange a Masquerade Ball

There’s nothing quite like a masquerade ball, is there? So why not arrange one?! Pretend it’s the Venice carnival and truly get people to deck themselves out like the nobles and commoners back in the day in the one city where, well the nobles and commoners could mix and mingle, because they were all wearing masks… Kind of naughty…

Do a Boudoir Shoot

Lots of photographers these days offer boudoir shoots and who doesn’t want at least one sexy shot of themselves?

Do a Pajama Party

OK, so maybe this isn’t all that crazy, but in addition to wearing PJs, eating ice cream and throwing popcorn at each other, why not drink champagne and play some truth or dare?

Truth or Dare

Play a game of truth or dare (no PJs necessary) where you come up with some really funny dares.

Cards Against Humanity

Get the gang together and invite all your crushes to play Cards Against Humanity. It’s sure to be an interesting night…

Try Your Survival Skills

Attend a survival training course in nature. Learn to survive with nothing more than a knife at your disposal.

If nothing else, you’ll be a lot more comfortable camping after that!

Attend a Renaissance Faire

Deck yourselves out in medieval clothes and head to a Renaissance Faire – the one outside Los Angeles is epic, but there are bound to be other ones just as good across the country.

Attend a Crazy Festival

There are a ton of crazy festivals and carnivals around the world – use Google to find them. From people running with bulls through a city to mud festivals. There’s really something for everyone. And some things are weirder than others… Oh and let’s not forget Burning Man. The one festival no one comes back from the same as before they left…or do they?

Attend a Music Festival

If you don’t feel like going as crazy as some of the festival goers at some festivals, just attend a regular music festival. It gets pretty crazy there too. For inspiration, watch Bridget Jones Diary 3. If you like Ed Sheeran you’ll be on your way after watching it…

Learn to Dive

Diving is not easy. And it takes guts. In fact, sometimes a lot of guts. Take a course and go diving in the ocean.

Of course it helps if you can afford going to the Caribbean or something to learn to dive…but you can learn to dive pretty much anywhere around the world!

Visit a Ghost Town

There are plenty of ghost towns in America. Some spookier than others. Go explore them with your friends. Just don’t bring the ghosts with you back home.

Compliment Strangers

Head to town for some window shopping and fun, and whatever shop you visit, make sure to compliment at least one person.

This could potentially change your life if you get good at complimenting people. It certainly helps break the ice and make friends anywhere you go!

Tell People You Love Them

Challenge your friends to tell everyone you love that you love them. Sometimes we forget to tell our near and dear ones that we love them, sometimes we just aren’t very good at it.

Crash a Wedding

Find a wedding and crash it. Make sure it’s a big enough wedding that you can get lost in the crowd. It won’t be great if you’re found out…

Write Letters

When was the last time you wrote someone a real, proper letter? There’s nothing quite as good as receiving one, so maybe you should try… Even better, write a love letter! It’s about time someone brought old fashioned romance back in town.

People have also stated trends writing random compliments and other type of letters and left them about town. Come up with something fun your entire group of friends could do together. You could simply send compliments to everyone you know if you like!

Make a Movie

Write a three minute script and film it with your phones. Edit it together and put it on YouTube, or alternatively, make a musical.ly video.

If you’ve never seen yourself in front of a camera it’s about time you do so now…

Do a Crazy Photo Shoot

Think it’s easy to be a model? Think again. So, instead of trying to create the perfect photo shoot, do a crazy photo shoot! Dress up in mad outfits and capture it all on camera. Put together a collage, or photo album to remember in the future. It will make you laugh for years to come.

Attend a Circus Class

Learn to juggle, walk a tight rope, swallow fire, or fly in a trapeze. Or why not clowning? Whatever it is, be sure it’s something that makes you step outside your comfort zone. And just imagine – you and all your friends as clowns on trapezes… Now there’s a thought!

Even better – run away with the circus. Chances are you’ll get caught though. It’s not like it used to be in 1895… Back then you could still get away with those things. These days all the circuses have 500 permits, there are border controls and you probably won’t get very far… Whatever happened to old fashioned romantic notions? Can’t someone bring back the freedom of being able to run away with the circus? (So as to spend your life cleaning up horse shit most likely, but still…)

Let’s have a look at some of the signs that might indicate he’s seeing someone else. Just beware that there are other reasons he could be acting weird too, so don’t jump to any conclusions!

He Never Lets Go of His Phone

Most people keep their cell phone nearby so that they can check messages and play around with it when needed. Some even respectfully turn it over so that they won’t be disturbed when out with you. After all, a date shouldn’t be about who just liked a post on Facebook. However, there are some people who aren’t merely being polite by turning their screen to face the table; rather they’re trying to make sure you never see a message. That’s when you have to ask yourself why he doesn’t want you to see the messages?

Some people are private and they guard both their personal and business conversations. Chances are you’ll figure out pretty quickly if a guy is always guarded about things, or if he’s just guarded when it comes to his phone because he fears you’ll find messages from another woman.

There are, of course, other reasons why a man might guard his phone, be it that he doesn’t want you to find out he’s a criminal, he has a child, or his mother sends corny messages!

He Isn’t into PDA

PDA (public displays of affection) aren’t for everyone. We know that. But if a guy starts looking around every time you try to kiss him, or take his hand, is it because he can’t stand anyone seeing him being affectionate, or is it because he doesn’t want to be discovered by someone who knows he’s with another woman too? That’s the thing you have to work out.

A big telltale would be if he whisks you away for a weekend getaway somewhere where he has no problems with PDA, only to back away every time you try to kiss him in public back home.

Is He Constantly Looking Around?

When you’re out together, is he constantly checking to see no one sees you together? Sure, some men love having a look around, but if he’s obsessively looking over his shoulder everywhere you go, you should start feeling concerned. If nothing else he must suffer some fear or another if he can’t relax.

Of course, men who are real pros at dating two women at the same time, would never let on they’re stressed. If he’s good at this game, when he meets someone he knows he’ll simply smile and introduce you to them. Freaking out would only make him look suspicious. Being out for a coffee or for a meal with a friend, on the other hand, is quite normal.

Does He Hang Up the Phone When You Walk in? 

Has it happened often when he’s on the phone that he hangs up straight away if you walk into the room? As if trying to quickly finish the conversation before he has to answer a question he doesn’t want you hearing the answer to? Unless he’s talking to drug dealers, planning a surprise for you, or having an embarrassing conversation with his mother, there’s no reason why he’d hang up the phone every time you get close.

Does He Prefer a Certain Area of Town?

Is he always advocating for you guys to hang out in a certain area of the city? To the point where he gets uncomfortable if you manage to lure him to some other area?

We all have our favorite hang outs and our not-so-favorite parts of the city. However, that doesn’t make us paranoid when we venture into another area. If he gets really uncomfortable in some areas, ask yourself if that’s because he doesn’t want to be seen out with you in those areas, or if he’s scared his ex will start throwing tomato cans after him. You never know… LOL!

He Never Wants to Go Out at All

Is it even worse than him only wanting to hang out in certain parts of town? Does he plain refuse going out even? Does he always have an excuse to stay in rather than go out?

Of course some people are less fond of crowds than others, but even those who abhor crowds (possibly even to the point of claustrophobia) like going hiking, heading to the beach, or doing something else that means they aren’t always sitting on the couch. It’s normal not to want to go out after a long day at work, but not every day is a work day.

Not everyone is a social butterfly and some truly hate the bars and clubs, but most people want to go out sometimes.

Even if it’s not because he could get caught dating two women at once, you should probably try to figure out what’s wrong if a guy you date ALWAYS wants to stay at home. He could suffer social phobias, or other it could be something else, but you’d do best to figure out what it is that’s bothering him. After all, if you intend to keep dating him, you’ll want to know.

He Doesn’t Introduce You to His Friends

It’s one thing to wait for a while to introduce a date to your friends. After all, some people prefer to keep their friends out of the picture until they’re certain where something’s going. If he still hasn’t introduced you to his friends after months of dating you, something is probably off though.

Unless he’s scared his friend the Casanova is going to sweep you off your feet and ride away with you into the sunset, or all his friends are a bunch of jerks or criminals, it’s decidedly odd that he doesn’t introduce you.

Most of us want the people we love to meet one another and get along, so if your date doesn’t start introducing you to friends after a while, try to find out where the problem lies.

He Always Has an Excuse for Not Meeting Your Friends

Some guys are intimidated by social events, others by women. That might make them a bit nervous when meeting your friends and possibly drag their heels doing it. If he always has an excuse not to meet your friends though, you need to figure out why. Is he scared rumor will get out he’s seeing someone else, or is he actually terrified of your friends?

A healthy relationship is a lot about having a healthy social life – both one where you see your friends alone and one where you share friendships as a couple.

He Cancels a Lot

Is the guy you’re dating constantly canceling on you? And not because he’s an entrepreneur working till ten o’clock every other night, but because…well, why? Either he doesn’t care enough about seeing you as something else is always more important, or there’s another reason.

Beware we’re talking about men in the US here. I live in South Africa. Everyone cancels all the time, because no one takes plans seriously. That’s a way of life, nothing to be suspicious about. However, the people who do wanna see you get around to seeing you, even if it’s not on the exact time and day you first thought they would.

He’s About as Spontaneous as Not at All

You can’t just call him and ask if you can meet up, because, well, when you do he’s NEVER available. That’s alright if he is the aforementioned busy entrepreneur, or similar, but if he’s never free unless you plan ahead it gets suspicious. Especially if he never randomly invites you along when you call to ask what he’s doing, or decides to change his plans to see you.

Some guys are busy, truly, they are, you just need to figure out if he’s busy with work and friends, or if he’s with another woman.

He Travels a Lot

Many men travel a lot and that’s not a sign they’re unfaithful. Some men like having one woman in every harbor though and those are the ones you have to watch out for. If he always seems to dodge your phone calls when he’s away, or never answers in the evenings, then you may have cause for alarm. Especially if he plain refuses to let you come with him on any of the trips.

The Positive Signs

Any one of the above signs can indicate you’re sharing your man with someone else, but it might also not. If he takes you along to family parties, introduces you to all his friends and have you meet his boss, it’s less likely that he’s also dating someone else. That’s to say, unless she’s the one who’s having to be invisible.

Men sometimes want to hide things, like social phobias, or having a kid from a previous relationship, which has nothing to do with dating other women. If you think your guy is hiding something you need to talk about it though. You care for the man. You want to build a relationship filled with trust. You want him to be comfortable sharing who he truly is with you. You want him to let you love him for who he is. And to do so you have to have conversations where you are both honest, but also loving and understanding. If he’s hiding something, chances are he fears being rejected for it.

It’s also important to remember that relationships, at least in America, aren’t really exclusive until after you’ve had “the talk.” It’s no secret most people think they can date as many people as they wish before you actually sit down and decide to be a couple. Some people wanna have that talk pretty early on. Others think it’s best to wait five months. You have to be the judge of when you want to have it.

Loving Yourself 

My principal in drama school used to say there are two ways to change your thoughts: from the inside out or the outside in. That means if you one day wake up and love yourself (sort of like Anita Moorjani) your life is bound to change. If, on the other hand, you start treating yourself as you love yourself (i.e. looking after yourself, your life, your body…) you’re bound to slowly start loving yourself.

I used to grapple with the idea of self-love, simply because I thought your love of self should be proportional to how well you did at things and you could always do better… Then one day I realized that life is a gift we’ve been given and we can do anything we wish with it. Our only task, if you so like, is to experience life. If you like you can sit on a piece of rock doing nothing. There is no “path” you’re supposed to take – you’re free to do what you wish. That, if anything, is the path – explore life on your own terms.

You are a human. Your gift is life. You do what you want with it. There is no right or wrong, no better or worse, so long as you treat yourself, others, and the world with love. Happiness should be your goal, not winning some sort of imaginary race. Enjoy the game instead!

Other People’s Opinion

We’re all different and while there are things you need to learn in case you want to communicate with others in a successful manner so they truly see you and hear you (grab some books about pick-up skills and social skills to get the idea – it’s not about transforming your personality it’s simply that just as with please and thank you, there are ways to communicate with people that work). However, beyond that life is about chemistry. Some people fit with you, some don’t. Constantly evaluating how you communicate is one thing, but evaluating what people think of you is pointless – not least because you’ll never know anyway.

Instead of waiting to love yourself till the day everyone else is loving you, decide to love yourself now. Decide that the core of you is great. Like everyone else you’re learning skill sets and those will never be perfect, but your heart is. Always has been.

The funny thing is, the day you realize you’re great as a person – that your heart is just as good as anyone else’s – people start liking you more.

It’s Not About You

Funnily enough, sometimes loving and focusing on yourself has to do with realizing that it’s not all about you. Once you stop thinking that you have to achieve something, that you have to look a certain way and that you have to do a certain thing and instead focus on what you’re doing and giving to others, you forget your perceived flaws.

It’s not about your ego. It’s not about how you look, or how many medals and accolades you get. It’s about just being and giving of yourself to others. Which, when you let go of the ego – let go of the need to achieve something from every encounter, or situation, becomes a lot easier.

Your Attitude Towards Your Body

Part of loving yourself and treating yourself with respect is looking after your body. What does it mean to look after your body in its most basic terms?

It means you get enough sleep at around the same time every night. Anything else and your body is either constantly jet-lagged, or constantly struggling as it didn’t get enough rest. If that happens your mood and overall health is affected negatively.

It also means you fuel your body – you eat nutritious foods that help keep you healthy and happy. Again, if you don’t, your body and your mood will suffer. It’s a lot easier to love yourself when you’re happy and it’s a lot easier to be happy when you eat the right foods (whole foods, including plenty of vegetables).

What’s more, it means you do physical exercise and spend time outdoors. Physical exercise is needed for a healthy body and happy mind – when we exercise we help the body stay healthy and we create chemicals that make us feel good. Exercise isn’t everything your body needs though, it also needs to spend time in the great outdoors and in the sun so as to feel its best.

Lastly, it means that you only put the best products on your skin. If you cover yourself from top to toe with chemicals, your body will absorb them. Use natural body products – shampoos, body lotion, make-up, perfume, etc. Also, beware of the washing powders, dishwashing liquids, cleaning detergents, air fresheners, etc. that you use, because your body will absorb byproducts from those as well. Choose natural products that don’t harm you. Detox your life!

When you take care of your body, you start feeling better, as you’re showing yourself the respect you deserve. As a result, it’s a lot easier to love yourself.

Your Attitude Towards Your Mind

It’s not just your body which needs pampering, it’s your mind too.

We are living in a society filled with technology, commercials, ideologies…you’re constantly bombarded by information you need to process. You need time off to just be you. Great ways of doing this is to spend time in nature, meditate and do mindful exercises like tai chi, or breath work.

Another way to relax and “unplug” is to go to a spa (and at the spa you pamper your body as well). And if you like saunas, steams, or hot baths, you can detox at the same time. The skin is the body’s largest organ and we can detox simply by sweating, believe it or not! Massages are also said to detox you as toxins are pushed out of your muscles, similar to what happens when you exercise.

When you respect your mind by taking time out to recharge and focus on yourself, you are automatically loving yourself, because you’re giving yourself what you need.

Get a Life

To respect and love yourself, you need to act in ways you respect and love. That goes beyond looking after your body and mind.

Are you truly going for what you want in your life? Are you getting out the door to attend social events? Do you do work you’re proud of? Do you work on your dreams, or current hobbies which enrich your life, instead of watching Netflix every night? Relaxing and watching Netflix is great, but you also have to do things you love and connect with people who will enhance your life.

Often the life we dream of is just outside our comfort zone. We have to break that comfort zone and get off our lazy bottoms and do what it is we know would truly help us live a happy life.

Setting the Pace

If you believe in taking things slow and prefer to talk to someone and really get to know them before initiating physical contact, then you should not kiss on a first date. After all, kissing is intimate and one form of intimacy often leads to other forms of intimacy. If someone kisses you they assume they’ll be able to hold your hand, hug you and kiss you on future dates if the chemistry keeps building. Of course kissing also eventually leads to sex, but this won’t happen unless you’re somewhere private, so you can control that.

If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t feel comfortable with physical contact until you know someone, be up front about it. Don’t sit someone down to have a serious talk about it, but ask how he sees dating and tell him that you love to date to get to know someone, but you’re the kind of person who doesn’t let people close physically until you know them. Tell him you love having fun and exploring physical intimacy, but not until you feel comfortable, as it’s just awkward to you.

If you have such a conversation it’s also important to remember to initiate physical contact when you feel comfortable. Touch his arm, or thigh when making a point and hold his hand when the opportunity presents itself. That will give him a clue you’re ready for kissing. Otherwise he might feel insecure about when to cross the line and if physical chemistry doesn’t build you risk being written off as friend material.

If You Just Don’t Know

You went on a date, you had some fun, but you aren’t sure about the chemistry. Should you respond if he signals he’s about to kiss you, or should you keep your distance?

It’s important to signal you’re having a good time and building chemistry, in case you want a second date. However, if you don’t feel like kissing him, don’t. There’s nothing worse than a bad first kiss!

Rather keep a bit of distance, but at the same time be open and friendly. Touch him when you make a point, but don’t let him get too close if you’re walking together. When you say goodbye make sure you tell him you had a good time and would like to see him again to…explore a bit further… Tease him. Leave him something to look forward to. That way you haven’t just hurt his feelings by trying to keep a distance from him, signaling you aren’t interested.

If You Don’t Want to Kiss Him Because You Don’t Like Him

If there’s no chemistry you definitively shouldn’t kiss the guy! Not even if you feel sorry for him because he’s trying so hard to impress you. Just make it clear through your body language that you aren’t interested. However, to soften the blow, be open and talkative. Try to make him feel good about himself, even if you aren’t interested.

If, on the other hand, you happened to end up on a date with a guy who can’t take a hint and keeps pushing for a kiss, simply say no and, if you want to, end the date. Don’t let yourself be pushed around by a guy.

Does He Think You Want Sex if You Kiss?

No. It’s perfectly normal to give someone a kiss on a first date, without for that matter going to bed with him any time soon.

Of course, if you just had dinner at his place, it’s another matter entirely. Most people avoid meeting up in private unless they’re ready for sex. Even if you think you can say no to his advances in private (should he make any) it’s not always that easy to think rationally when you have a hot man kissing you! All those plans about not having sex till you know him properly may just fly out the window!

If you’re out in public and he starts kissing you, also beware how far you let it go. There’s one thing to have a short, kiss, it’s another to be making out like there’s no tomorrow. If you start to properly make out, he’ll expect more sooner or later. Still, there’s no saying you’ll give it to him though…just beware he’ll expect it!

If You Really Want to Kiss Him

If you want a guy to kiss you, show him! Touch him when speaking to him, sit close to him and flirt with him. Of course, it’s important that you pace yourself though and gauge his reaction. Basically, don’t throw yourself at him, but rather tease him till he just can’t help but kissing you!

Will a Relationship Be Better if You Wait With Kissing?

No. There is some research that suggests that the longer you wait with sex, the greater the likelihood of staying together. However, this could be based on a misrepresentation, because people who wait two months to have sex with everyone know much more whether they like someone or not. So they don’t have sex if they don’t like them and therefore don’t end up with a failed relationship. If you have sex on a second date, then yes, of course the chances of discovering two weeks later that you don’t like someone and breaking it off after having sex is much greater.

In other words, you probably don’t really know if you like someone until you’ve known them for two or three months. If you hook up with them during those first two or three months, you’re taking a gamble. You don’t really know them, so the chances of you staying together are slimmer. In other words, you staying together or not has nothing to do with the sex, really. It’s just that the longer you wait, the better you know them.

Now kissing, to most, isn’t as big a deal as having sex with someone. If, however, you only want to kiss people with whom you have a genuine heart and soul connection, then wait to find out if you do. A kiss doesn’t seal some invisible deal saying that the guy will call you back after the date, nor does it mean he has a genuine interest in you. He may very well just be attracted to you physically.

The First Kiss Disappointment

Some people are great at kissing, some aren’t. It’s a matter of matching each other, really, and not necessarily that some people actually kiss better. The matching thing tends to happen over time though, so to rule someone out as a terrible kisser after just the one kiss is often wrong. Not least because they may be nervous just then.

Also, sometimes a guy is eager to kiss you after a great date, but terrible at picking the right moment. He might be nervous and chooses the absolute worst time to kiss you. Don’t be too put off. When it comes to dating the experts say you should always give it two dates because first impressions rarely last. People are nervous on first dates and often show off their worst sides. The connection that would have naturally happened if you were both relaxed doesn’t. This is also why many recommend a first date to be really relaxed in some setting where you do something other than talk. For example, you go bowling, or visit a museum so you have less pressure to constantly talk.

Attraction doesn’t always happen right away. Sometimes people fall in love after years of knowing someone because they suddenly see them in a new light. The least you can do is give it two dates!

Kissing and STDs

Can you get an STD from kissing? Well, yes, you can get herpes. Chances are you already have it though.

There are two forms of herpes: mouth herpes and herpes down below. The mouth version (which can flare up on other body parts too, though unlikely) is so common an estimated 90% of the population in America suffers from it, as it’s often passed down from generation to generation. Even if you don’t kiss a lot of men, the day you get a boyfriend the chances that he has it is about 90%…so…

In theory you can get other STDs given the person happens to have a mouth wound and some minimal amount of blood is found in the saliva. The chances of this happening is close to nil, but it could happen. Basically, don’t kiss someone who said they just bit their tongue, went to the dentist that day, or who has a big cold sore on their lip.

In theory you can also get HIV through kissing, but there are no records of it ever happening.

In short, you’re much more likely to catch the common cold when kissing than you are catching any other STD than mouth herpes. If you get naked with them and start touching their genitals, that’s when the real risk of STDs come about. Before that happens you should do your research and both get tested. That way you’re safe.

He Takes You On Dates

He doesn’t just call you at six pm to tell you he’s coming over – he invites you out for dinner, takes you to the movies and hangs out with you in public. In other words, he’s taking you out for dates as he enjoys spending time with you outside the bedroom.

He Spends the Night

After getting hot and heavy with you he doesn’t just up and leave – he spends the night with you, or let you stay the night at his place. He might even make you breakfast or take you out for breakfast the next morning. Oh and he’s cuddly. Totally cuddly.

He Introduces You to His Friends

He doesn’t just spend time with you, he invites his friends to spend time with you as well. This is a clear sign he’s showing you off, unless you’re friends with benefits, because then, well, then you’re still just a friend…

PDA

Public displays of affection (PDA) come natural to the two of you. You don’t only kiss and hold hands behind closed doors, but when out in public too. If you bump into friends when out, he doesn’t suddenly jump away from you and start acting all weird either: he firmly holds you just as close as when you were alone.

Texts

He doesn’t just text you when he’s turned on – he texts you to say good morning, good night and all sorts of cute things in between. He’s sweet. And he can’t stop talking to you. A sure sign he’s into you.

He Shares His Feelings

He shares his feelings with you when something happens in his life. He calls you just to tell you he did well at something, or calls you to get your support when he’s had a shit day. He’s not just in it for the sex – he’s in it for the emotions too.

He Talks About the Future

If he randomly starts talking about vacations you could go on, or that Christmas market you should visit two months for now…well, he clearly sees you as a part of his life! And it’s also very clear that he wants to spend time with you and share experiences with you.

He’s Being Cute

Does he constantly compliment you? Buy you little gifts, or leave you cute notes? Does he want to cuddle you rather than leave bed? If he is becoming increasingly cute, as opposed to sexual, chances are he has feelings for you. Which means he wants to date you, even if he isn’t right now. Unless, of course, his life is in some sort of flux and he doesn’t want to date anyone right now, feelings, or no feelings.

He Pays the Bill

To be frank most men above a certain age (the age when they start making decent enough money) pay the bill, but they’re more likely to offer to pay it if it’s a date, as opposed to a friendly meet up.

He’s Being a Gentleman

Does he hold the door for you? Offer to carry your bags? Pull out the chair for you? Then in all likelihood he’s trying to impress you. And if you’re already hooking up, he doesn’t need to impress you to get you in bed, which means he’s impressing you for some other reason. Of course, some men are just like that, just as some men give one hundred compliments to everyone around on a daily basis, meaning nothing with it. However, if he’s being a gentleman it’s probably yet another sign that he’d want to date you, or already thinks he’s dating you.

He Isn’t Seeing Anyone Else

If he’s stopped using Tinder and Match, he doesn’t go on other dates and he doesn’t seem to be looking for other dates, then he might just think he’s dating you! Exclusively.

The only reason this might not be the case is if he’s insanely busy and doesn’t want to date. He just wants a friend with benefits, or he wants to hook up whenever he feels like it, as opposed to seeing someone regularly. In that case, even if you’re the only one, it’s not a sign he wants to date you.

He Sees You a Lot

He doesn’t just see you once a week for sex, he plans to meet up with you in advance and you find yourself spending almost every night with him.

He Introduces You to His Family

If he takes you to meet his family and introduces you as his date…well, then he sees you as his date!

He Takes You on a Romantic Weekend Away

He doesn’t just take you to a hotel for sex, he plans a weekend he knows you’ll love. A sure fire sign that he cares about you.

He Reveals His Innermost Thoughts

He shares with you things he finds hard to share; things only a close friend would normally get to hear from him. Normally you don’t sit down and talk about deep, intimate, subjects with someone whom you’re just hooking up with.

So, if he’s doing late night talks with you where he reveals his innermost secrets, well, you mean more to him than a regular hook-up would. Unless, of course, it’s a once off after a bottle of wine…

He’s Jealous

When you go out together he prevents any other guy from getting near you. And if someone tries, it ruffles his feathers and he turns slightly green from jealousy.

On nights when you tell him you’re going out partying with the girls, or hanging out with other guys, he’s just a little bit too curious about what you’re going to do, or what you got up to. He may even try to convince you to come to his place afterwards, just to make sure that’s where you end the night…

He Shows You Off

If he starts parading you up and down the street, looking like he’s the proudest peacock around, then you know he wants to be seen with you by his side. As your date. You don’t usually show off people you randomly hook up with.

He Is Supportive

He wants to know how you did with that assignment at work and sends you encouraging messages before some ordeal or other you have to deal with. He may even show up to be by your side. Now that’s either serious friendship, or a serious crush.

He Doesn’t Mind Your Things Getting Mixed Up

You have a bottle of shampoo at his place and some wardrobe items. He’s claimed a drawer at your place to leave some of his clothes for when he stops by unplanned. By the looks of things you’re practically living at each other’s places.

He Calls You for Other Things Than Hook-Ups

He’s had a rough day and wants to see you, but he doesn’t want sex.

He calls you to talk about his new boss, instead of doing a booty call.

He comes round to your place to watch Netflix and cuddle, but isn’t in the mood for sex.

Either you’re friends with benefits, or he’s into you in more ways than one.

Your Emotions Don’t Freak Him Out

A man who doesn’t want to get emotionally involved usually doesn’t like a display of emotions, be it over your bad day at work, or your problems with your family. He will freak at the sign of emotions because he doesn’t want you to have them for him.

If, on the other hand, he’s totally cool with you being all emotional about things, chances are he’ll be totally cool about you having emotions for him too.

If you can show him how much you care for him, call him to talk about anything, and snuggle up with him just because, chances are you’re dating, not just hooking up.

He Says Uncomfortable Things

If you’re way out of your mind when it comes to something and he sits you down to talk about it in a supportive manner, knowing full well that you might end up getting your feathers ruffled and not like him very much for it he cares. He cares because he’s willing to do something uncomfortable to make you see reason.